Jen

Ok so I know I don't write on here much, but I'm writing today. Even though I have nothing extremely exciting to write about.
I'm sitting here right now with 3 girls doing school work. Oh make that 4, I was just informed that Colexis (Jade's imaginary friend is also here). I have the smartest kids in the world in my school.
I am also having a lot of braxton hicks contractions. I don't remember these starting this early but I guess they do because i'm having them. I am so ready to not be pregnant. I say I will never do this again, but a part of me knows I probably will. Hopefully though, not for a long long time. I think we have pretty much decided on Claire for her first name, of course it very well might change..but for now she is Claire. Middle name is still a mystery. Ric says he'll know it when it comes to him.

Logan is walking really good now. He is so sweet, I don't know how Ric's son could be such a doll, but he is. I love this age. He is copying everything I do. He shrugged his shoulders the other day when I was talking to Jade and shrugged mine, and he has started dancing all the time. He gets mad when the song ends and yells until the next one starts. It's really funny.

The girls are doing good. Both of them almost look like girls again. Jades hair came back out so thick, it's gonna be just like mine. Poor kid. Cera's hair is so fine, she looks adorable with her hair the length it is now.

Well I guess thats all I have to talk about. The boring life of a house wife. I should call my memoirs that..laff.

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Ok so i never write on here because there is never anything to write about. My life is boring and I don't want to bore people. But I guess I will just ramble. I love my babies. Jade is getting so big and so damn smart it scares me. She has also developed this attitude. She thinks she knows everything and isn't gonna let anyone tell her different. Cera is...well Cera. She is so sweet at times, and the rest of the time she is just pissed off. And Logan is my little ray of sunshine. He's started walking lately and is so cute. I can't imagine what life was like without them.
Home school is going good. I have recently acquired a new student, Renee. She's in 5th grade, which is a huge change from 1st grade. But its fun, a challenge, but fun.
I am now 28 years old. I feel like an old lady, birthday sucked. I think this is the last year I'll even acknowledge it.
I'm feeling really pregnant now. Only 3 months left. Don't know what I'm having yet, but hopefully will find out on Feb 13th.
Well I guess thats it. I'm not going to talk about Ric, because my mom always taught me that if I didn't have anything nice to say, not to say anything at all. So I'm not gonna.
See ya'll later

Only 6 more days til Christmas! YAY! I love Christmas more now that I'm a mommy than I ever did when I was a kid. Don't get me wrong, I loved it when I was a kid, but this is so much more fun. I love being Mrs. Claus.
My kids made out like bandits this year. I don't even know where I'm going to fit all of their presents under the tree. I have no clue what I'm going to do next year with 4 kids. I think I have lost my mind.
So Ric told me the other night that if this one isn't a boy, we are going to try again. HAHAHA!!! He said he is going to have a couple of little boys running around. I told him that may be true, but I didn't know who he was gonna have them with, cuz it ain't gonna be me! This is it for me, at least for a very long while. Like 10 years, then I'll have a change of life baby or something.
So the van broke down this morning. On the way taking Ric to work, I think it blew a rod or something thats gonna cost out the ass to fix. Oh well. If it's not one thing it's the other.
I guess thats all I have to say today.
Merry Christmas everyone! Hope your holiday is as wonderful as ever!

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Since I am over at the neighbors house using the computer, registering the majority of my husbands family for FEMA, I decided to write a little. I don't usually write unless I really have something to say. Most of the time I am crying while I'm typing and this time will be no different.

My entire family is safe. Ric's cousins, aunts, uncles, cousin's babies, and us. We are all alive, despite the fact that they all live and decided to ride out the storm in Waveland Mississippi. We are so lucky, I can't even begin to tell you how relieved and blessed I feel. But there are so many that are not that lucky.

Over the past week I have heard so many horror stories from the group of people that have now taken over my house. They are all alive, but every one of them is now homeless. Jaymie, Ric's aunt, had her video camera going for as long as she could hold on to it. I have yet to watch the really bad parts, the parts with the bodies, a lot of them babies bodies, just floating all around them. She can't eat, none of them can, they say they can't get the smell of that place off of them. It's a constant roller coaster of emotions over here. We try to laugh, be upbeat, not think about what could have been, or what is for millions of people who were not so lucky, but one word and someone is breaking down.

I thank God for saving the lives of all we love, and that there is help, more so than there is now, for the millions who were not able to get out of there, and the families who don't know if their ok.

Jaymie said it best I think. You never know how much your life means to you until you have to fight to keep it. I will never know exactly what they all went through, but I will know what it's like to move on, to try and forget the pictures in there head that will never go away, and I will be right there with all of them, hoping that this is something that can be overcome.

I had stated in an earlier entry, soon after Maya died that I was not going to have anymore kids...mainly because every time I've been pregnant someone close to me dies.
Well I have gotten over this notion. Several people told me I can't blame myself for the deaths that have occured, and even though I wasn't actually blaming myself, I couldn't help but wonder if it was a rule of the universe or something. For a new life to come, one has to go.
But I believe, and maybe I'm crazy for this, but a higher power is at work here. I believe that somehow, someway it was known that I would lose someone close to me, and it wasn't because I was pregnant. I believe that I got pregnant because the wonderful little boy that I had has helped me cope more than I ever imagined.
I can be in the worst mood imaginable, crying, missing her, wanting it to just end, and he smiles at me and it all just goes away. I never imagined that such a little soul could help me so much. I honestly don't know how I would have been able to cope without him.
Anyway, I know that anyone who has kids knows what I'm talking about and I just felt like sharing.

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Here he is..Enjoy!

Alright so I know its almost been a month, but having a new born baby and all, it's been kind of hard to sneak off to the neighbors house to use the computer. So here's the official announcement.

Logan Eric Steelman was born at 9:10 pm on February 18, 2005. He weighed in at 7 pounds 13 ounces, and 20 1/2 inches long. He had a head full of bleached blonde hair that sticks straight up in the middle, making it look like he has a perma mohawk. He has real dark almost grey blue eyes, and is absolutely perfect in every way. He looks just like his daddy.

His is almost a month old now. Still a perfect little man. He is a lot lazier than Jade or Cera was. He wont stand up when you hold him, which Jade and Cera did almost immediately. But he smiles a whole lot more than I remember either of them doing. So he's lazy, but he's happy being lazy ;).

The girls absolutely love him. They want to hold him all the time, and Jade has learned how to feed him now.

Daddy is completely infatuated with his new little boy. He just stares at him with complete adoration all the time. He holds him a lot too, which is new for him. But alas, his renewed interest in his son has somehow spread to his daughters too. He has been so much more in tune with his family since our new arrival.

Well that is about all, I will post the site where you can see a picture of him soon.

OK BOY YOU CAN COME OUT NOW!
So I went to the Dr yesterday and I have an 8 and a half pound baby inside me that will now come out! The Dr said I am now after 4 weeks of being dialated, all the way up to 3 freaking cm! So she stretched me herself, said that should get it started. Well it hurt really bad and I am still sitting here, pregnant and not in labor. They are supposed to induce me on Monday if I don't have him by then, but I really don't want a boy on Valentine's day. Poor kid, his life is already doomed because he's gonna have a mean daddy...(mean but loving mind you) and now he's gonna be a sissy boy born on Valentines day! Sheesh!

I got my phone bill today. I knew it was going to be high, it was the bill from the time Maya died. Its really sad how much I racked up calling to find out about her death, yet I never racked up that much just talking to her.

It's been over a month now. Seems like yesterday. I still pick up the phone at least once a day and start to dial her number. I can't bring myself to delete her number from my speed dial yet.

Jade told me today how upset she was that she wasnt going to get to be a flower girl anymore. I hadn't even thought about that. She told Maya every time she talked to her to hurry up and get married because she wanted to wear a beautiful dress and drop flowers down the isle for her.

It's still not real to me. I still cry all the time. I try not to let anyone else around me know how much I'm hurting. I don't want to take away the attention from my kids, so I lay awake at night and think about her and cry.

I picked up the phone the other day because Ric and I got into a fight. She always made me feel so much better. She always had a way of making him not seem so bad at a moment that I hated him. But there was no one to call. So I just cried...all by myself.

I can't believe she's really gone. I can't believe I will never hear her voice again, I will never see her again. Life is just not fair.

I decided that I'm not having anymore kids. Every time I've gotten pregnant someone dies, and it seems to be that the more I have the close I am to the people who leave. When I got pregnant with Jade, my cousin, whom I had met like twice, hung herself. With Cera, my father in law died, whom I had been living with, and now Maya. I can't take any more death. I can't help but think that because I wanted more babies, someone else had to pay with their life. I know it's not my fault, but maybe someone is trying to tell me something. I am so sick of the what ifs......this is going to drive me insane.

So I have watched a few movies the last couple of days, and I have yet to see one that really disappointed me. Well Spiderman 2 was not as good as I expected it to be, but it was entertaining. I watched Somethings Gotta Give and was kind of shocked at how attracted to Jack Nicholson I was. Oh baby, I love him. I'm not quite sure what it is about him, but I would do him. Then I watched The Stepford Wives. Great movie. I need a chip or two in my head I think. It would make my housework so much easier. Then I watched Win a Date With Tad Hamilton. Not the most wonderful movie in the world but I liked it a lot, very funny I think, and just makes me love Topher Grace even more than I already did. Damn he looks good with spiky hair. Oh and today I watched 50 first dates finally. Funny yes, momorable, not so much. ANy hoo, that is my movie commentary for the year.
4 more days til Christmas!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY! I think I'm more excited than the kids. I love Christmas shopping! I just got drafted by 2 people to finish their Christmas shopping for them. I wonder if I could start this up as a business? I would be so rich. Well yeah...Merry Christmas to all...

My year in 30 questions or less... 1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Forgave my husband for something I swore I never would.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
The resolutions that I kept:
Making my marriage and family better.

Resolutions that I did not keep:
Lose weight, quit smoking.


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not yet, but the years not over.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Maya. My best friend in the whold world. I will miss you my dear Maya.

5. What countries did you visit?
No new countries, just got to hear about all the ones Maya visited.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
A mini-van!

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 7th-got home from Albuquerque to find out I might be single.
November 28 - Maya's death

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Homeschooling Jade and finding out that I have a genius for a daughter. She's gonna be up there with Maya in the math genius catagory.
Talking to Michelle again. I had wanted to get in touch with her so many times, and even though she made the attempt, Im still really glad I responded.


9. What was your biggest failure?
I think I failed Shannon. Had I not been gone so long in Albuquerque last year, he would still be living with us and doing good in all aspects of his life, as apposed to living in a group home and failing school completely.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Broken tailbone, but that happens every time I get pregnant.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A brand new flatscreen TV. Woohoo!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Jade - For being a genius.
Cera - For letting Jade know she isn't the center of the universe.
Ric - For getting promoted and a raise.
Me - Just because I am such a great mom and great wife and neighbor! :)


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Stupid Albuquerque bitches, those of you who know me, know who I'm talking about.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, groceries, homeschool supplies, and Christmas!!!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Talking to Michelle again. Giving Ric a son, finally.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Where is the Love....Blackeyed Peas

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier
b) thinner or fatter? fatter, but more pregnant!
c) richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
House work.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
House work.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Dec 19 with Ric's family in Mississippi, Christmas eve with his brother and sister and Christmas day with just us.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Yeah, with Owen Wilson, and The Rock in Walking Tall.....owwww baby!

22. How many one-night stands?
365

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Big Brother

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yup

25. What was the best book you read?
I can't remember the titles, all of the Ann Rule books I read.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Blackeyed Peas

27. What did you want and get?
Another baby, well not quite get yet, but he's on his way.

28. What did you want and not get?
A computer

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
To many to count.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
26 cried.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If Maya was still here.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Clearance section at K-Mart. hehe

33. What kept you sane?
Maya

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Kirsten Storms, but she pissed me off by leaving Days of Our Lives to go to Clubhouse. Urgh!

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The stupid election of course.

36. Who did you miss?
Maya, Michelle

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Janet

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
Forgiveness is something that usually comes so easy to me, yet when it's something really big, it's really hard to do, but in the end, forgiveness is always the best thing. Don't hate people for being stupid, forgive them and move on.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I can't think of it right now.

I know you will never see this, but a part of me knows that you know all this already. I love you. You were single handedly the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. Without you, nothing else in my life would have been possible. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now without you. I don't know how to go on. I feel like a part of my life just stopped and I don't know how to start it up again. I love you. Everybody loves you. I'm so so sorry I couldn't be there for you. I'm so sorry. You were always there for me. Always. Even when I didn't think I needed you to be. You were there. I can't even imagine never hearing your voice again. Never lecturing me to quit smoking, never telling me you love me, never telling me everything is gonna be okay. No more 3am drunk phone calls just to say hi. Lynn said I need to gather my support system around me now. You were my support. My rock. My shoulder to cry on. You were the absoulute best friend anyone could have ever asked for. I love you. I love you so much. Dammit! This is not how it was supposed to happen! You weren't supposed to leave yet. You were never supposed to leave me. You were supposed to be there for Jade if I left. I don't understand this. It's not fair! Your not done yet. There is so much left your supposed to do. This can not be the end. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I love you.

Hello Maya and Tom. I hope ya'll are doing good. I'm alright. I have been putting up with Jade all night and all morning. She has been moping around the house, sad, because her Maya is not coming to see her on her birthday. She said that all she really wants for her birthday is to see YOU! She said she would do without a cake and ice cream, without a party, even without presents if it meant she could see Maya! Sigh....what to do. I just don't know how to make her not so miserable. I tried to explain to her that if Maya came down here her lights might get shut off because she doesn't have enough money. Power getting shut off is one thing she understands..hehe. But she said if she had to go without power for a couple of days just to see Maya, she would.


I'm just kidding Maya. This is actually all the things I have been doing and saying. Jade could care less, as long as you send presents and call her. I am the one who is miserable and moping. I was so excited, but now, nothing to look forward to until Christmas. Oh well, I guess I'll live.

I love you Maya! I miss you! I want you to come see me! Do you feel guilty yet??? You should!!